Not Entirely Hopeless
by Songbird's Spirit
Summary: Cyprus Gall is a bit of a hippie. Slendy has been stalking her for a grand total of three months. He's finding it frustrating when she doesn't even seem to know he's done anything. Cyprus doesn't even know who or what Slender Man is. That's a problem to him. Though his plans for her death slowly fall apart and die after he actually MEETS her. Poor Slender. (Minor cussing)
1. Do I Even Dare

**Not Entirely Hopeless**

**Hi, I decided to do a small humor-based drabble in the Slender-verse to help my creativity flow for these stories. I was on vacation for a week so my mind is well-rested and ready to jump into some writing! Reviews would be appreciated!**

**Start**

The slender man was growing frustrated. His prey was still showing no signs of insanity. He had been stalking a girl named Cyprus Gall for almost three months and there wasn't even a twitch to show for his efforts! He was flustered and frustrated. His tentacles were starting to coil in annoyance. He had to fix this!

The woman had first caught his interest when she had the audacity to walk right into his sacred grounds, find a random watering hole, strip off her clothes and bathe nude in the water. His expression: "oh hell naw bitch, this is ma ground". It had pissed him off so he began stalking her. He left the notes, like usual, in her mailbox to threaten her. It floored him when she read the notes and merely laughed before either shredding them or tossing them in her recycling bin.

Then he tried setting Slender Sickness on her. It didn't seem to affect her at all. She just went about her business as if nothing had happened. No matter how strong he set his driving aura on her she was just not affected. Was human ignorance just this strong?

Or was she simply that good at ignoring him?

Today would be different though, he swore on it! He was going to follow her today. He would get a reaction he could feel it from the tips of his coiling tentacles to the soles of his dress shoes. He would get something alright.

**~o~**

Cyprus laughed as she strolled carelessly into the forest with her beach bag. She was doing her best to ignore and act like the strange things happening to her lately didn't bother her. But tricking herself into that state of mind was simply tricky no pun intended. In some ways though, it was starting to scare her.

This man or woman was threatening her and she was beginning to feel like she was being stalked. It was very strange but she brushed it off. She was a tough girl and she wasn't about to let a little underachieved loser who needed a confidence boost ruin her life.

So adding an extra splash of swagger in her step she strode confidently towards her watering hole. She was a singer, dreamer, go-getter, optimist, stargazer, artist, writer and nature lover.

In short she was somewhat of a free-spirited hippie.

She made it to her watering hole and sighed in relief. She really needed a day off from the tainted world around her and washing it away in this watery hole in the ground seemed like a great way to do it. That was deep…she'd have to remember to write that down.

**~o~**

Slender Man chuckled darkly in his mind. His prey was right in front of him; true she was nude but it didn't matter. He'd make her afraid of him if it was the last thing he did!

He crept closer to her then nearly fell over in mutual embarrassment. He was horrified at the sounds the girl was making! From what he could make out it sounded like she was attempting to rap. She was terrible and he soundlessly groaned.

_This is serious_

_Are you delirious?_

_This is __**my**__ castle bitch_

_Come at me now_

_And I'll tell you how_

_To live your life_

_Beat down your strife_

How was he supposed to scare and kill her when she was spewing that terrible singing? He was going to blow his cover if she didn't shut up! He buried his face in his hands wondering how this situation could possibly get any worse.

_I'm a happy panther_

_Sitting in the forest_

_I'm swinging from the branches _

_Like a happy monkey_

Slendy face-palmed and groaned at the girl. It had just gotten ten times worse. He couldn't take much more at that point so when she started to sing 1 Direction his patience snapped.

"God damnit shut the hell up!" Slender bellowed.

"Oh hello there-hey you don't have a face…" she trailed off.

"Your point?" he seethed.

"Just stating the obvious, it's all cool man." She shrugged and then went bug-eyed.

She began to scream and throw things at him. He ducked and shielded himself with his arms. "PERVERT!" She hollered as he was about to go in for the kill.

"Wait, what?!" he yelped, wasn't she scared?

"I'm naked you pervert, turn away!" she squealed.

"You mean you're not scared?" he gaped.

"Why the hell would I be scared? I don't even know who the hell you are!"

"I'm your worst nightmare." He chuckled darkly.

"That's great, good for you! Now turn away!" she whined.

"You're not even the least bit scared?" he asked hopefully.

"God damnit," she covered her breasts and darted into the bushes, "men these days. Women can't get any damn privacy!" she ranted.

"That's poison ivy." Slender gestured to the bushes she was in.

"DAMN, DAMN, DAMN, FUCK YOU PLANET EARTH. FUCK YOU, YOUR CHILDREN, AND YOUR CHILDREN'S CHILDREN! FUCK IT ALL!" She thundered.

Slender really didn't know how to react. This wasn't going anything like he had planned. The woman emerged in a gray tank top with a light green four-leaved clover, black baggy Capri sweatpants, and gray sneakers.

She walked right up to him and gave him a light smack on the cheek. She pointed right in his face and shouted, "You don't stare at a nude woman while she's swimming. You stupid peeping Tom."

"I am not a peeping tom." Slender protested.

"You were watching me bathe, of course you are." She cried.

"Just shut up! I have never met such a…a…" he could scarcely find a word to cover it all.

"Well whatever, I don't want to talk to you anyway!" she huffed and stalked back towards her house.

"Wait, I haven't killed you yet!" Slender cried.

"WAIT, YOU PUT THOSE THREAT NOTES IN MY MAILBOX!" she screamed.

"Uh, yeah…" Slender trailed off.

"You *smack* broke *punch* my *head-butt* shredder *kick* asshole." She raged.

"GET AWAY YOU INSANE LUNATIC!" Slender actually cried.

He'd deal with the insane woman later. Right now, he'd have to preserve as much dignity as possible. Once he finally got away to the safety of his home he collapsed in his loveseat and threw back his head.

Damn that woman.

**Finish**

**Well that's the first chapter. Sorry if Slendy seems OOC. It's not my first drabble fic but it's a test run. I hope you enjoyed. ** have to remember to write that world around her and washing it away in this watery hole in the ground seemed like a gr


	2. Kicked Out

**Not Entirely Hopeless 2**

**If you enjoyed the last one then I hope you enjoy this one.**

**Thanks for the review!**

**And the follower and the one who favorited.**

**~o~**

Slender groaned as the light filtered through the curtains. He felt like shit. As he sat there he wondered if the incident where the woman beat him had been a dream. He peered over at the mirror in front of him but across the room.

The mirror reflected the creature back but shirtless and with a bruise on his stomach and a fist shaped mark on his shoulder. He threw back his head and groaned. How humiliating! A mere human made him scream and run. This was pathetic.

As the creature stood his head nearly brushed the cobweb littered ceiling. He had a shack for a house. For a moment he listened, as he swore he had heard footsteps retreating from his front door.

'Besides the woman, who would be stupid enough to come into my woods?' he opened the door and his foot nudged against something.

He looked down to find a basket with an apology letter taped to it.

"Of course it was the woman." He growled and slammed the door shut.

**~o~**

"He lives in the saddest house I have ever seen." Cyprus murmured as she cut the vegetables.

The phone rang which jarred her from her daydreaming. Cyprus picked up the phone. "This is the Captain speaking; you've just won a free cruise-."

"Can it Captain." Cyprus hung up the phone.

Damn telemarketers.

A knock sounded at her door and Cyprus growled.

"I swear if it's that god forbidden door-to-door salesman again I'm going to call the cops for disturbance of peace and handcuff him to the flagpole out front." She snarled.

She opened the door with an annoyed look to see the man she'd beaten yesterday.

"Oh, good morning, want some coffee? It's the least I could do for beating you yesterday." She offered.

"Um, sure." He said hesitantly. He didn't have a coffee maker. He couldn't use it. So he might as well get some while he could. So he followed her inside.

"Well follow me then." Cyprus smiled and walked towards the kitchen. He didn't follow her and that bothered her.

"Dude are you okay?" she asked.

"…" he gave no reply.

"Um, hello?" she called.

"…Why is there a skeleton on your wall?" he asked.

He had every right to wonder about her house. It was oddly decorated. It was full of weird decorations and Indian music played in the background. She was odd. It was her thing.

"It's not real, it's just a decoration." I assured him.

"You are a strange human." He said.

"You say that like you aren't human." Cyprus pointed out.

""You honestly don't know who I am, do you?" he asked flatly.

Cyprus sighed in annoyance. "Should I know who you are?" she asked.

"I'm the slender man." He told her.

"I don't know what that is." Cyprus said flatly.

"Not a what but a who. I am him." he said proudly

"Uh, good for you." She said awkwardly as she handed him the coffee.

"You've never read about me?" he looked shocked.

"Um no, are you some kind of hermaphrodite?" she asked uncomfortably.

Slender man spluttered and huffed. "No, I am not one of those. I'm a creature of myth! I am a demon who cannot rest and feeds on small children and the human race!" he bellowed.

"Well we have a shortage of small children but if you need to take a nap the guest bedroom is upstairs." Cyprus shrugged.

"Are you not terrified?" he exclaimed indignantly.

"No, I'm really not," she yawned, "I do want to know why you're following me though."

Slender nearly fell from his stool. She had known?! "You insufferable woman!" he growled.

"REFERENCE! NICE TO FINALLY MEET YOU VEGETA!" she cackled and fell from her seat.

"What?" he asked losing all of his anger.

"IT'S OVER 9000!" she howled.

"I don't understand…" he felt uncomfortable.

"Never mind," she wheezed and giggled, "Anyway, I don't care that you're…whatever you are. I could honestly care less if you were a killer. I still beat your ass the other day so I'm going to apologize." She said sweetly and left the room.

"DAMN TV, WORK FOR ONCE!" She yelled.

"It won't." he called.

"Why not?" she asked.

"My aura interferes with electronic signals." He sipped the last of his coffee.

With that said she ushered him out the door and slammed it shut behind him. Had she seriously just kicked the Slender Man out of her house…?

He looked at the shut door.

Apparently so

**~o~**

**Short yet sweet; Thanks for reading.**

**Songbird O.o**


	3. Burning Passions

**Not Entirely Hopeless 3**

**Heh, this is way late but I'm glad people are getting a kick out of the humor! I like trying to be funny and I'm happy you like the story! **

**On with the insanity!**

**~o~ Slender ~o~**

I didn't know what I was watching. I really didn't. It was a week after Cyprus had kicked me out of her house and I had returned to enact my newest insanity-instilling plan. But first I had to know where she was. Once I found her I…I couldn't move. For the past ten minutes I had observed the woman open her oven door and then violently slam it shut before repeating the process.

_ 'What the hell is wrong with this female?' _I pondered.

I jumped when I realized she had seen me and was now staring at me through the kitchen window. I stared at her and she stared back before waving cheerfully. She then proceeded to open the window.

"Hey SLENDER," she shouted causing me to jump, "COME on IN!"

I gulped and weighed my options. I could Slender-Walk home and form a new plan, preferably one that involved indirectly killing her, or I could go inside. With a sigh I walked around to the front door and opened it. I didn't even take a full step in before Cyprus was at the door in an instant and shoved me back out.

"What the hell was that for?!" I shouted.

"You need to knock first, it's polite!" she shouted through the door.

I face-palmed and groaned; gritting my teeth I stiffly knocked on the door twice. Cyprus threw the door open and plastered a wide grin on her face. "Slender Man, how nice of you to drop by!" she squealed and I winced from the pitch of her voice.

"Lovely, to see you as well." I snarled.

She lightly slapped my cheek and I stared at her in shock. "Now Slendy," she scolded, "Good guests don't scowl at their hosts." She lectured as she waggled a finger.

"My apologies," I said with false politeness.

"That's better," she nodded, "Now follow me!" she urged.

I groaned silently and followed her into the kitchen. I nearly gagged at the overpowering smell of pie, ice cream, cakes, brownies, doughnuts, and cookies. The sheer amount of carbs and sugar was sickening. I did gag the moment Cyprus stuck some slightly burned cookies under the spot where my nose would be.

"Here, try a cookie." She chimed cheerfully.

"No thanks." I scowled.

Her face immediately turned from happy to dark and murderous in seconds. "EAT THE DAMN COOKIE!" she thundered.

I quickly snatched a cookie from the tray and stared at it. Momentarily I glanced up at her and saw her gazing at me expectantly.

_'Do it Slender, if you want to learn more about your victim you must…spend time with them…'_ I shuddered.

With a gulp I bravely bit into the sugary human treat…and gagged. I doubled over, hacking and spitting. This wasn't just normal hated human food; this was naturally _bad _human food. I spit the cookie on the floor and looked up to see Cyprus standing there with a water bottle in hand. Her face was neutral and emotionless until she rolled her eyes in exasperation.

"If you didn't like you cookies you could have just said so." She sighed and handed me the water bottle.

I muttered silent profanities as Hawaiian music caterwauled in the background. I watched as Cyprus retrieved a broom and she dropped it in my lap. "Clean up your mess." She commanded.

"No," I huffed. I wasn't about to let a human boss me around.

"AIYYYAAAAAA!" Cyprus gave a battle cry.

Then she smashed a tray of cookies against my face. I sat there with a dented tray hanging from my face before giving up and Slender-walking into my living room. Slowly, I removed the tray from my face and slowly crushed it into a small ball and hurtling it through the already-broken window.

"I _don't _like cookies." I snarled.

**~o~**

**This was very short but this is crack-drabble-silly fic. But anyway, I hope you enjoyed the silliness! There's more to come!**

**Gotta Bounce, **

**Songbird 0.o**


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